Working on my book review for the new Bret Easton Ellis book - Imperial Bedrooms, which is a sequel of sorts to Less Than Zero - and there’s just so much to fit into 675 words. Spoiler Alert: If you already wrote off Bret Easton Ellis, this won’t do anything to change your mind, not that anything would, because you’re an asshole. But yes, Ellis has updated his references, and uses a line from Boxer (not this song) to particularly wonderful effect at one point.
The best part about enjoying Ellis is that people have written him off, though, because of some of the people that love his work. I think these people - those who “book people” I respect resent for loving Ellis’ books - are actually missing the point of most Ellis books. They’re the same stripe of people who were the first camp who loved The Sopranos, who relished it for all the violence without realizing that the end of the series that they practically rioted over (when the show cut to black) was a condemnation of them, those people who wanted blood, while it was satisfying for the people who knew what the show was about all along: existential ellipses we think we can ward off with sex or violence or a family or creature comforts (when, in fact, we can’t). And if you can grasp that like you can grasp Ellis, it’s a particularly satisfying experience, like when you finally deconstruct (without intellectualizing) something that was intended to provide answers, provided you looked for them in the first place. Otherwise, it’s just a story that might be entertaining to some and despicable to others.
This is a pretty perfect example of Ellis being Ellis. Why would someone who writes books - or anything intended for intelligent people - think The Hills is a modern masterpiece? This is the point most people would write Ellis off as an asshole, saying asshole things, but if you’re Ellis, how do you explain that it’s essentially your book (Zero) taken to an entirely new, game-changing level? One where the audience (who knows what bullshit the show is, who knows it’s scripted, who knows that these people are just staring at each other) becomes complicit in what shitty people these characters are by even dignifying it? The Hills is a fucking dumb TV show, but it captures something that’s wrong with everyone so precisely, unlike anything to come before (like, say, Less Than Zero), how can it not be a masterpiece?
Anyway, I’m fine with other people writing Ellis off. It tells me more about them than they could ever get from the people they’re writing off to begin with: That they’re just like those people, except they’re missing the point on an extra level exclusive to them.
Didn’t think it was even possible, but Fek got even cooler in my book!
foster:you just look up who the url belongs to, and it tells you
eiseley:yeah but that doesnt mean he started it
i want to know who executed the VERY first icing.
wrong wrong wrong
eiseley:jesus iced judas?
omg tell me everythign you know
they were sitting around one day
and jesus fucked up the water/wine trick and ended up with this awful white shit
(he was using cloudy water)
eiseley:what a twat!
foster:and he was like, lo, this bullshit
tasted it, it tasted like dick, so he gave it bubbles and it was okay
eiseley:howd he do that?
foster:he's jesus, he's fucking magic
foster:and this solved a problem: all the girls who went to nazareth high didn't get crunk because they thought wine tasted like shit
and i mean, talk about picky
(they were the original JAPs, as they were all still jews and many of them were literally princesses, except for the whores, who were literally whores, and they were the "down" chicks who'd just drink whatever because they weren't picky.)
jesus had been looking to bag a jap for a while, now, and so one night, at a rager, boom, he busts out the new drink
still tastes like shit, so one of his contemporaries Smiras (which was eventually corrupted by the Russians into Smirnoff) was like, bro, we're in the middle of the fucking desert. you think these girls are going to drink that bullshit if it's warm?
jesus was like, guess you've got a point
so he made it cold, because he's magical
and boom, next think you know, every Tiffany Heart Bracelet-wearing princess in the land from Nazareth HS is putting it down like it's water, because it tastes better than water, and also, gets them drunk, and they can tell their parents they didn't know the difference
eiseley:okay...but how did it become a BRO phenomenon???
foster:so judas is like, dude, you make it for them, but not us?
eiseley:oh right right.
foster:and jesus was like, fuck you man, you're always harshing my magic
have you actually tried it? drink it, go ahead and drink it. try it.
and judas drank it, and jesus was like HEY EVERYONE LOOK JUDAS IS DRINKING THE GIRLY DRINK I MADE
YOU GOT [INSERT ARAMAIC WORD FOR 'ICED'], BRO!
foster:judas was embarrassed, and then later, sold jesus out to the romans, and he was like, you just got CHRICED, BRO.